Brian Johnston by Tim Heald

Author:Tim Heald
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dean Street Press
Published: 2015-03-15T04:00:00+00:00

’Twas a dark cold night in December

And the snow was falling fast,

Little Nell lay in the gutter –

And the snow was falling fast,

Little Nell lay in the gutter –

And the rich folk by her passed

You may ask me...’

Whereupon, enter Johnston with the words which he enjoyed uttering almost more than any other – ‘I say, I say!’

JE. Yes, yes, what is it?

BJ. I’ve just seen forty men under one umbrella, and not one of them got wet.

JE. Forty men under one umbrella and not one of them got wet – it must have been a very large umbrella!

BJ. Certainly not, it wasn’t raining.

JE. What d’you mean by coming on here and interrupting me while I’m reciting? Now go away. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll begin again – ’Twas a...

BJ. It’s in all the papers tonight.

JE. What is?

BJ. Fish and chips. We don’t want London Bridge any longer.

JE. Why not?

BJ. It’s long enough already. Do you know who’s in the Navy?

JE. No, who?

BJ. Sailors. I’ve got a goat with no nose.

JE. Really? How does it smell?

BJ. Terrible.

JE. I don’t want to know about that. Will you go away?

BJ. I’ve got a letter here. If I post it tonight, do you think it will get to Glasgow by Wednesday?

JE. My dear fellow, of course it will.

BJ. Well, I bet it won’t.

JE. How’s that?

BJ. It’s addressed to Shoreditch.

JE. It seems to me you’re next door to a blithering idiot.

BJ. Well, move over and give me a chance. By the way I nearly saw your brother the other day.

JE. How do you mean, you ‘nearly’ saw my brother?

BJ. Well, isn’t your brother a policeman?

JE. That’s quite correct – he is a policeman.

BJ. Isn’t he PC 49?

JE. That’s quite right – he is PC 49.

BJ. Well, I met PC 48.

JE. You met PC 48... Well, you may think you’re very clever, but let me tell you I’ve got a brother who even though he was on the dole, always managed to live above his income.

BJ. That’s impossible, he couldn’t be on the dole and live above his income.

JE. Oh! yes, he did. He had a flat over the Labour Exchange. By the way, what’s your brother doing these days?

BJ. Nothing!

JE. Nothing? I thought he applied for that job as producer of In Town Tonight?

BJ Yes, he got the job. They call him Button B, you know.

JE. Well, he’s always pressed for money.

BJ Well, I must say I don’t know what your wife thinks about all this.

BJ That reminds me, here’s a letter from her.

JE. (reading letter). But there’s nothing written on it.

BJ. No, we’re not on speaking terms. Not that it matters, I’ve just got six months for rocking her to sleep.

JE. You can’t get six months for rocking your wife to sleep.

BJ. Oh yes I can, you should have seen the size of the rock.

JE. I’m sick of this, let’s go into this restaurant and get something to eat. Waiter, do you serve lobsters here?

BJ. Yes sir – sit down, we serve anybody.

JE. I see you’ve got frog’s legs.

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